Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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