mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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