Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
