I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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