i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
