All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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