Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
