My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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