Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
high people should be assigned attendants
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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