Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
How's work?
Spinning.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
