When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.