Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
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I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
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He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.