I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
