My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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