After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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