shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
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