Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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