I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
