WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
