I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Randomize
