btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
