Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
