I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
