i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Randomize
