bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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