At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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