In America we eat man semen.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
