she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
3pm strippers are depressing
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
