I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
