I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize