Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
