Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
