Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
