i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
