she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
