I can text with my tongue
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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