Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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