im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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