The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
