quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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