I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
