my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
you win again, gameday.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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