well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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