It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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