Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
