Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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