saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
