I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
