Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
