I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
i think i just lost a toe
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
