Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
