I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
