We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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