You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
