she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
operation harelip BJ is a go
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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