Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
