M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
