I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
